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Murder-Suicide Matinee

The podcast where two sworn enemies try to kill each other with bad movies.
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Aug 12, 2019

I'm a little yellow fish in a deep blue sea - won't somebody save me? 

Oh yes we're revisiting the MILLENNIUM FISH MOVIE CRAZE that I bet you don't remember at all. With a completely inexplicable cast including Alan Paul, Aaron Rickman, Tabitha St. Germain and Terry Jones, Help! I'm A Fish is an inscrutable series of creative decisions that we were absolutely unprepared to witness. 

Featuring: the continued saga of Dr. whatever his name is, yeet your sister, Doing The Icarus, and Alan Rickman's bare human ass

Movie: Hjælp! Jeg er en Fisk (Help! I'm A Fish) (2000)
Four Whole Ass Directors: Stefan Fjeldmark, Greg Manwaring, Michael Donovan, & Michael Hegner
Rating: [sound only dogs can hear]

intro and outro music: “Everyone in Town Wants You Dead” by Singing Sadie

May 27, 2019

Big Audio tried to shut us down, but you can't kill what already wants to die...

That's right, Murder-Suicide Matinee is BACK for an absolutely arbitrary Season 2. After moving to opposite time zones and losing a full episode and a half of recordings, regular brained podcast hosts might give up. But not us, baby. We're bigger and better and gayer than ever, and we're ready to talk at great length about the mixed CGI template for a screenplay that is 2018's Peter Rabbit.

Featuring: Inexplicably dreadful audio, Name That White Guy, a straight up goddamn murder in the first ten minutes of this children's movie, and a whole lot of questionable use of mental health terminology that will probably get us cancelled! 

note: There was something badly wrong with Lee's mic in the first half of this episode, so the audio quality is something akin to a 1910s preacher yelling into a tin can on a wire. It does get a little better later on. And trust us, we paid the price.

Movie: Peter Rabbit (2018)
Director: Will Gluck
Rating: So STUPID why doid they do that cringe stupid go get a sandwich!

intro and outro music: “Everyone in Town Wants You Dead” by Singing Sadie

 

we have a brand new Patreon!

guilt us into producing regular episodes (or just, like, help us keep the old ones online) by donating a buck or two in return for bonus content. You want it, we got it. But more importantly, you WANT it.

Aug 17, 2018

 

This episode gestated almost as long as a real baby! Join us for timely and topical new year humour, and sizzling hot takes on that one weird pro-life zootopia comic everyone's already forgotten about!

Oh, we also talk about 2017's The Boss Baby -- the movie with a definite article in the title that nobody acknowledges, made by adults who have a lot to say about corporate culture and have evidently never met a real human child. 

Featured highlights: Wizzy is my father, schroedinger's pregnancy, a check-in with the Elvis industry, and children are sociopaths

note: we had some technical issues with Cami’s audio on this episode - it’s totally listenable but you might hear a couple of glitches where the ends of her words clip out. it’s okay, she wasn’t saying anything important anyway.

Movie: The Boss Baby (2017)
Directors: Tom McGrath
Rating: unattended child crying in an airport for 8 hours

intro and outro music: “Everyone in Town Wants You Dead” by Singing Sadie

rate us on iTunes, and check out our tumblr for displays of sheer antipathy towards our wonderful tortured fans!

Feb 23, 2018

 

Not a whole lot of jokes in this one folks; we fucking hated it. We watched Sausage Party and regretted every moment we were alive.

WARNING: If you're sensitive to discussion of virulent racism, misogyny, homophobia, sexual assault, or pretty much any other form of casual bigotry that middle aged white comedians find hilarious and think they're experts on, skip this tire fire. 

Also, in case it still needed saying, never watch this movie.

Movie: Sausage Party (2016)
Directors: Greg Tiernan & Conrad Vernon
Rating: unskippable hulu ads playing in an adjacent room

intro and outro music: “Everyone in Town Wants You Dead” by Singing Sadie

Follow us at http://murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com and restore a shred of hope and dignity to our withered husks.

Dec 24, 2017

For our holiday episode this year we're wishing you all a late happy Hanukkah! And by 'happy' we mean we really hope you didn't watch Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights! We had a miserable time! When will comedians just stop?

Featuring: early shrimp, Salad Blandman, Cami should never do voices, and a perfect twelve year old boy

PLUS: Our embarrassingly short 2017 retrospective, and a very special letter from our favourite writer/director team! 

Movie: 8 Crazy Nights (2002)
Director: Seth Kearsley
Rating: a Swedish masterpiece

intro and outro music: “Everyone in Town Wants You Dead” by Singing Sadie

Follow us at http://murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com for all the latest in unwarranted poop jokes!

Oct 27, 2017

It's the episode absolutely nobody asked for -- we discuss The Smurfs 2 having never seen or even read a synopsis of the first one. Have you ever watched a kids' movie and thought 'man this would be way better if the child did nothing at all and the adults had the whole adventure'? Neither have we! Because it's actually worse!

Featuring: more celebrity deaths, natal smurf hair, a completely nonsensical duck pun, and an uncomfortable glimpse at Papa's true social agenda

Movie: The Smurfs 2 (2013)
Director: Raja Gosnell
Rating: maybe, once, in the right context

intro and outro music: “Everyone in Town Wants You Dead” by Singing Sadie

Follow our tumblr (murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com) for more smurf dick discourse

Jun 3, 2017

It's been a while, but the masochists are back -- and this episode we're going nutty over 2014's cranky animal heist movie The Nut Job. Sure, some people might have been over the fuzzy-animal-with-a-bad-attitude thing by the early 00s, and everyone was certainly over gangnam style by the end of 2012, but here's a movie bold enough to say nuts to that! We really get down to nuts and bolts in this one, I promise you, it's nut to be missed! Nuts!

Special guest topics: skwurls, nuts, raccoon stalin, nuts, the grinch who stole christmas, nuts, our pitch for a special extended edition of the lord of the rings, and also nuts


Movie: The Nut Job (2014)
Director: Peter Lepeniotis
Rating: nuts to it


intro and outro music: “Everyone in Town Wants You Dead” by Singing Sadie

Follow our tumblr (murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com) for the latest in peanut industry insider tips.

We're on iTunes! Rate and subscribe or Rosa will appear on your ceiling at midnight and curse you for a thousand years! (https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/murder-suicide-matinee/id1111796206?mt=2)

Dec 25, 2016
13 - David Copperfield

Top of the season to you! Hot on the heels of halloween, it's the all singing no dancing Murder-Suicide Matinee christmas special! We're joined by Kelly Rockwell of Secret Story for a surprisingly erotic screening of the 1993 animated classic David Copperfield. It's just as Dickens envisioned it -- cheese monster, calypso beats and fantasy wild boar chase intact.

Oh, and take note of that Explicit tag this episode! Things get prrrretty real around the time Kelly and Cami dig out their erotic fanfiction for an on-air reading.


Movie: David Copperfield (1993)
Director: Don Arioli
Rating: yes.
 

Follow our tumblr (murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com) for more furry misandry.


We're on iTunes! Rate and subscribe for no chance to win fabulous prizes. (https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/murder-suicide-matinee/id1111796206?mt=2)


intro and outro music: "Everyone in Town Wants You Dead" by Singing Sadie

Dec 19, 2016
12 - Dracula's Angel

Cosy on down under the blankets, throw another log on the fire, and prepare for some long winter night spookin's as we bring you the fabled...lost halloween episode.

That's right, just in time for the holiday season we've managed to recover this special episode originally intended to air on October 31st -- before Rosa left her laptop on a train, and it took a tour of the south of england for a month or so. It's back and so are we, with this arguably less than timely breakdown of Dracula's Angel (2014). It's our first foray into (extremely) indie animation, and good sweet god did we have ourselves a time.

Bloodshed! Wolves! Questionable Irish accents! Anecdotes about Cami's real life suffering! A minimum of one Dracula! This episode really has it all.


Movie: Dracula's Angel (2014)
Director: Bryan Beasley
Rating: if you only watch one movie about single mindedly pursuing a romance with literal dracula this year, well, that's still a pretty good average



Follow our tumblr (murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com) for more extremely up-to-date and seasonal content.

We're on iTunes! All those who listened must rate and subscribe for eternity to continue! (https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/murder-suicide-matinee/id1111796206?mt=2)

intro and outro music: "Everyone in Town Wants You Dead" by Singing Sadie

Oct 23, 2016
11 - Alpha and Omega 4: The Legend of the Saw Tooth Cave

Hey, you see that explicit tag? Yeah, we're making full use of that this week. You probably don't want to listen to this episode at work or with the family, unless you are heir apparent to the bad dragon / deviantart empires. And if you are, please get in touch re: some kind of sponsorship deal.

That's beause we watched Alpha and Omega 4: Legend of the Call to the Lost Witch's Curse of My Ass Reloaded -- a very short movie with a very hmmmm let's say passionate fanbase. Tune in for a lot of audio description of pornography, updates on how Balto's doing (not well), and both of us failing to notice that Cami thinks Iago the parrot appeared in the movie Jurassic Park.

Movie: Alpha and Omega 4: The Legend of the Saw Tooth Cave (2014)
Director: Richard Rich
Rating: a bunch of deer dong


Follow our tumblr (murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com) and I swear I won't post TOO many wolf dick pics.


We're on iTunes! Rate and subscribe for no chance to win fabulous prizes. (https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/murder-suicide-matinee/id1111796206?mt=2)


intro and outro music: "Everyone in Town Wants You Dead" by Singing Sadie

Oct 1, 2016
10 - Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time

It's back to the tender embrace of inept 2D this episode, with Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time. No I did not leave out a word, that is the title of this movie that was inexplicably released in the year 2000 despite looking and sounding like an early 90s bargain bin. Today's lesson is all about learning to accept yourself by existentially rewriting everyone around you. Also Rosa was sick when we recorded this, so bonus content includes coughing, time travel multiverse conspiracy theories, and vore.

Movie: Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time (2000)
Director: Cirio H. Santiago
Rating: please help us we're trapped in an infinite loop of shitty movies

hungry for vore? follow us on tumblr: murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com

intro and outro music: "Everyone in Town Wants You Dead" by Singing Sadie

Sep 3, 2016
9 - Barnyard

What's this? A new episode? But it's only been a month and a half! Look, shut up and appreciate the agony we went through to bring you our analysis (analopsis) of Barnyard. Two days recording, three attempts to get all the right audio files on one computer. One surprisingly bigoted cow movie.

In this episode: bad morals, every -ism you can imagine, WILD MIKE

Movie: Barnyard (2006)
Director: Steve Oedekerk
Rating: like a far side collection possessed by the spirit of right wing talk radio, but without the humour, charm, intelligence or artistry

Follow our tumblr (murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com) and watch our continual agonised decline

We're also on iTunes! Rate and review, you animals. (https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/murder-suicide-matinee/id1111796206?mt=2)

intro and outro music: "Everyone in Town Wants You Dead" by Singing Sadie

Jul 14, 2016
8 - Garfield

Happy Thursday everybody! One of the six best days of the week. We're celebrating with the 2004 Garfield movie, and enough alcohol to forget Jon Arbuckle's name halfway through the recording.

Points for meditation include: the master of pez, CG Nick Offerman, judging supple dogs, Garfield in the Dutch dimension, and lots of whining about how hard cartoonists have it.


Movie: Garfield (2004)

Director: Peter Hewitt

Rating: live action is way too real we don't like it

Follow our tumblr (murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com) for more pictures of lasagna you're not allowed to touch.

We're also on iTunes! Please do feed us back with your feedback. (https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/murder-suicide-matinee/id1111796206?mt=2)

intro and outro music: "Everyone in Town Wants You Dead" by Singing Sadie

Jun 19, 2016
7 - Minions

This episode is a little late, because....well. Things happened. Things that took courage to publish. This week, we watched Minions.

The only question now is: what will become of us?

 

Movie: Minions (2015)

Directors: Kyle Balda, Pierre Coffin

Rating: up is down, black is white, war is peace

Follow our tumblr (murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com) and watch the last vestiges of our pride circle the drain.

We're also on iTunes! Please do feed us back with your feedback. (https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/murder-suicide-matinee/id1111796206?mt=2)

intro and outro music: "Everyone in Town Wants You Dead" by Singing Sadie

Jun 10, 2016
6 - My Little Pony: The Movie

With Cami out of town for work, Rosa's sibling Ax steps in to help come to grips with acclaimed Danny DeVito biopic My Little Pony: The Movie. Together we tackle the tough questions. Who is Danny DeVito? Did you know Danny DeVito owned a restaurant? What does Danny DeVito sound like? Why can't we stop saying Danny DeVito?

highlights: Danny DeVito, Danny DeVitho, a lot of really bad horses, the happiest abomination on earth, a lot of snickering about vaginas, and a twist ending (starring Danny DeVito)

Movie: My Little Pony: The Movie (1986)

Director: Mike Joens (as Michael Joens, don't get it twisted)

Rating: like getting the junk food of junk food, eating the box, doing a bunch of jumping jacks, staring at yourself in the mirror and then being asked how you feel

Horrible guest: Ax (goat-boots.tumblr.com)

Our horrible tumblr: murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com

intro and outro music: "Everyone in Town Wants You Dead" by Singing Sadie

 

 

May 26, 2016
5- Sunshine Barry and the Disco Worms

Listen to the life and willpower drain from our bodies in real-time as we subject ourselves to the surprisingly offensive Sunshine Barry and the Disco Worms. This is absolutely, without doubt, no competition, the worst experience we have had so far. The director, writer, and producers of this movie should be punished. At one point we wondered if we could stop the movie and lie to our audience about watching the whole thing, but we endured. For you. You'd better appreciate it or so help me god.

Why is this movie so bizarrely racist? Did the girl worms really need boobs? Why is Barry such an insufferable piece of shit? How do worms play the guitar without arms? Why did we watch this? Why are we doing this? What are we doing with our lives?

 

Movie: Sunshine Barry and the Disco Worms (2008)

Director: Thomas Borch Nielsen

Rating: if you absolutely HAVE TO watch this movie, get food poisoning first. studies show it improves the experience.

 

Follow our tumblr (murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com) and contribute to our slow miserable demise at the hands of this podcast! You can also now find us on iTunes, where we'd llllllove your feedback.

intro and outro music: "Everyone in Town Wants You Dead" by Singing Sadie

May 19, 2016

With your hosts off gallivanting around on work trips, we're taking a week off from regular episodes -- but to tide you over, we have a special update on some of the things we've discussed previously.

Highlights: Ambluminati confirmed; Cami is wrong, for neither the first or last time.

Normal service resumes next week!

 

As always, hit up the tumblr for everything MSM related. Last week I posted a video of Alan Rickman singing an evil fish song. It's worth it, man. (http://murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com)

May 12, 2016
4 - We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story

Join us this week as we watch a lumpy T-Rex play golf and scat about prehistory in radical New York City! It's 1993's We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story -- the movie with more plot beats in its title than it accomplishes in 72 minutes of screentime. We get really sad in this episode. Sad that this movie exists, sad that we watched it. Sad about John Goodman's animation debut and sad about Yeardley Smith's wasted talents. We promise to never get this sad again.

Highlights: the mystery of the Thanksgiving Hat; Cami explains the woo scene; Rosa is cheated out of a good villain; Jay Leno's OC Vorb; appreciation for a dinosaur with a deflated head

 

Movie: We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story (1993)

Directors: Phil Nibbelink, Simon Wells, Dick Zondag, Ralph Zondag 

Rating: a real bummer

 

Follow our tumblr (murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com) for supplementary show notes, episode stills, and whatever else Rosa has scraped from under her nails this week!

intro and outro music: "Everyone in Town Wants You Dead" by Singing Sadie

Apr 28, 2016
3 - Les Miserables

This week's episode goes off the rails fast, as we attempt to decode the thoroughly incompetent 1988 animated adaptation of Les Miserables. An inspirational life story, time travel, interdimensional clones, blue jeans, poorly mixed cocktails and a mystery narrator come together to reveal truths about our universe we just weren't ready for. Oh, also a revolution or something.

Has Jean Valjean tried EVERY door? Who is Javert? What the fuck is Marius' name?  Is there a universe where any of this makes sense? Where can I purchase a whipping coat? And what happened to the rest of the cast?

The truth will shock you.

Movie: Les Miserables (1988)
Directors: Al Guest, Jean Mathieson
Rating: life changing

intro and outro music: “Everyone in Town Wants You Dead” by Singing Sadie

for outtakes, wild theories and shipping charts, check out murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com

Apr 23, 2016
2 - Chicken Little

This week we take on Disney’s first ever full-CG feature with 2005′s Chicken Little. Why does this movie look so bad? How did they lure in so many big name voices? Was Oakey Oaks a cloning experiment gone wrong?  Plus: Rosa explains baseball, and we all try to put Don Knottsgate behind us.

Movie: Chicken Little (2005)
Director: Mark Dindal
Rating: functional, but not enjoyable

intro and outro music:Everyone in Town Wants You Dead” by Singing Sadie

for bonus stills and all our other nonsense, check out murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com

Apr 23, 2016
1 - Agent F.O.X

Join us as we puzzle our way through the utterly soporific Agent F.O.X from 2014. Why don’t rabbits know what foxes are? What exactly was Buggy doing? Will we ever see anyone sit an exam? And what-…wh-…wh- whaa…whaat? Wha-huh? B-….wha? Wheat?

Movie: Agent F.O.X (2014)
Director: Ge Shuiying
Rating: soporific

intro and outro music:Everyone in Town Wants You Dead” by Singing Sadie

for bonus stills, supplementary material and more, visit murdersuicidematinee.tumblr.com

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